Yes, All Men

 I am severely sleep deprived at the moment, but I wanted to sit down and throw some thoughts together on an issue that is deeply concerning and fills me with insane rage and incredible sorrow, and that is the news this week that there is apparently a website in which Men shared tips on how to drug their female counterparts so that they could rape them. 

A "Rape Academy," if you will.

Not only that, but also stories were shared in which men drugged said women and invited other men to rape them as well.

And this site that tens of millions of views.

...

I wish I could say this surprised me. 

It doesn't.

This is a difficult thing to discuss, for a number of reasons, but I feel it's important to do more than share social media posts and memes decrying it, because that requires no self reflection, no conversation, no real thought. To share a post isn't even technically acknowledgement or agreement, it simply is boosting someone else's thought, and men are far too silent on this issue.

It's a difficult subject because you worry you'll say the wrong thing, you'll make things worse, you'll overstep bounds...sometimes the best thing a straight, white, cishet male can do is recognize they have no lines in the play and should just keep their mouth shut. Normally, I tend to lean in that direction more often than not (which is the definition of a poor sentence, but this is a stream of consciousness blog, so deal with it) because I want others to have that space for their voices.

The subject is also difficult because, when a man discusses it, they have to confront unpleasant truths about themselves, but considering I've made a career out of confronting unpleasant truths about myself (makes up probably 90% of my depressing and anxious thoughts, after all), that shouldn't be too hard.

So it's difficult to talk about. But sometimes...well, that means you have to talk about it. 

I was originally going to say "I'm against it" and let others do the talking, until I saw the call to action from many women directly asking us men to talk about it, and the only thing more important than shutting up is listening.

So I listened.

For a couple days now, I've been seeing the posts, the anger, the sadness, the hopelessness. The memes, the frustration, the outcry at the silence...also the pushback. The "not all men" comments, the resurgence of the "Man or Bear" meme...just now, prompting me to begin writing, was a meme in which a woman shared a photo of herself in a hospital bed after she was body slammed in the parking lot of a gas station by a man whom she refused to give her phone number to, along with a comment from a man stating (I'm paraphrasing) that "men need to respected" and I nearly threw up.

I'm finding it difficult to pontificate on the point that "rape academy is bad." Back in high school, my debate coach told me I had a tendency to accept certain points as self evident, and that it would hurt my cases, and I don't think I ever had the ability to really correct that, so I lack the ability to explain why "rape academy is bad" because that shouldn't need to be explained. Feels pretty fucking self-explanatory.

And yet.

But I do want to talk mainly about the "Not All Men" nonsense.

Because FUCKING YES ALL MEN. 

Even you, bro, and even me.

Every woman has a story about a man, and EVERY man has a story about him. 

I'm sure I'm the subject of more than a few, in fact, and that keeps me awake at night, as it should every man.

I know that I have never intended to harm anyone in my life. This is not an excuse, it simply is a truth of myself, but it is also true that I absolutely have created spaces that were unsafe for women. I have done is a partner, as a friend, as a coworker, as an employer. I never once intended to do so, I always believed myself a feminist, a promoter of equality, and someone who seeks to actively buck the patriarchal systems that dominate this shitty world in hopes of being a "safe" man. I think maybe sometimes I have succeeded, hopefully more so than I failed, but that's the thing, right? Just a couple weeks ago, I patted my female coworker on the shoulder, and then thought for a second and apologized to her for touching her without consent. I mean, I hate being touched and yet I felt like that was okay. She accepted the apology, even though she thought nothing of it, but I still felt guilty. And yes, even something that simple is relevant. 

I acknowledge that I have failed on many an occasion, and I try to keep that in mind, take responsibility and accountability, and be better today than I was yesterday. I feel sick when I think of some things I've done and said in the past, the way my words and deeds have been interpreted, and I cringe when I think about the man I've been. I acknowledge that, even in my forties, I have a lot to learn, a lot of growing to do, and I spend a considerable amount of time thinking about it.

There have been times when I am walking behind a woman and realize she's getting nervous, and at first that feels like an insult, and then I remember the simple fact that she has to get nervous for her survival and it breaks my heart. I want to say "You don't have to worry about me, I'd die before I harmed you" but I realize that likely would only make things worse. I try not to be behind women if I can avoid it, I try not to get too close, give wide space...because if there is something I can do to make her feel even a tiny bit safer, why wouldn't I?

But apparently that's too much for many a man. Still there is a persistent "Not all men" conversation, the idea that "men are protectors" and PROTECTORS FROM WHAT?! Fucking YOU?!

And to the women out there...I'd choose the damned bear, too. If for no other reason than the bear isn't going to mention Andrew Tate or Joe Rogan when it's trying to kill me. Bear is probably smarter, too, really. 

I wish this was more eloquent. I really feel strongly about this and I don't feel like I'm getting it right. I'm getting emotional, it hurts my head, and I really wanted to make something polished and proper but it's turned into a mess, but that is what stream of consciousness gets you sometimes, and Nathaniel don't do two takes. 

In the end, the purpose is to say that I hear the women out there, I see what they're going through, and I am urging other men to do the same. Do not be silent, do not be blind, do not condone. Call your friends out, your bosses and coworkers, and do better in recognizing the space you create for those around you (hell, not even just women: the world would be a far better place if we used some basic awareness of other people around us). Because you are creating that space, guys, feminism is not "taking over," there is no "girlboss" agenda affecting your agency. Men still have all the power, you see it daily on the news as our country continues to become the most pathetically evil force this world has ever seen and, while you may not to be able to do much about the macro power structure, you have way more influence over the micro structure than you realize. You absolutely do create the space around you, and you can always do more to make that space safer. Acknowledge that privilege and use it be better. You want to be protector? Create a space where no one needs protection. You want to be the man she chooses over the bear? Be better than the fucking bear. 

And, seriously, if you happen to be one of the 62 Million (?!) men who attended this rape academy bullshit? Eat shit and die. Because while I strive to make my spaces safer for others? You sure as shit ain't included. But there is always time to rethink, atone, and act right. Acknowledge you've done bad, and try to be better tomorrow than you were today. It's not about apologies, it's about correcting the course. 

And to those affected, triggered, and frightened by this, trust me when I say that I am genuinely sorry for that, and I make the very solemn pledge to practice what I preach. I will never say that I am genuinely safe, because I acknowledge I am a product of a system I abhor, but I can say that I will always listen and believe women, that I will always try to be as safe as I possibly can be. 

And please continue to be safe. Whatever it is you have to do to feel as safe as you can be. Cover those drinks, walk to the car in groups, carry that pepper spray, whatever you need to do. 

Because Yes, All Men. And that fucking sucks.