I'm currently in an upswing as far as my usual depression cycles go. This is a good thing, save for the fear that tomorrow I'm gonna wake up wanting to die again. There is something remarkably funny (not, like, "ha ha" funny, more like "nobody is arresting Epstein clients" funny) about living with depression (assuming it is actually depression and not some undiagnosed autism or ADHD, which is possible...but I think you can still have depression with that, too) in that it colors your worldview. In every way possible. Even a moment of positivity is marked by some voice that says tomorrow may be different.
Tomorrow will probably be fine. If my general understanding of my own rhythm is even remotely correct, I'll have a good week, maybe a week and a half, before descending into the (non-racist) Lovecraftian horrors of my own mind, a howling pit of gibbering monsters waiting to claw at my mood. BUT. For now we're okay.
In fact, today has been oddly good despite my poor sleeping, which is a convenient segue into what I think I want to talk about.
I noticed what may be a pattern I need to keep an eye on, if only in the continued service of self-understanding that this blog is supposed to represent, which is that I noticed my dreams may be more positive and warm when in an upward part of the cycle. I had the nicest dream I can remember having lately, in which I ran into a friend in Maine. She was older, a little, and I didn't recognize most of the locations, but in the back of some bar I've never seen before she was sitting on a bench and I approached and we hugged so warmly and tightly that we were unable to let go for several minutes. It felt so nice, and so peaceful, and so calm and wholesome that it actually put me in a decent mood upon waking up, which was a nice change of pace from the norm.
Normally, my dreams aren't super nice. They're judgmental, filled with accusation and social casting out. Just last week, I was rejected in my dreams all over again by a woman I once felt love for, and I woke wishing I didn't have to think about her. I spend a lot of time trying not to think about people that I know are not thinking about me, especially not anything kind, because moving on is important (and something I am uniquely bad at), but my brain loves to hold onto as many memories as it can (good and bad) and I can't seem to escape the past.
It was interesting to me that the friend I dreamed of hugging was older, because it wasn't the past. That doesn't mean it is a premonition of the future, mind you, though I hope I do get to hug her some day, but only that my brain (which we have established loves to replay the past) acknowledges a possible future. Not only did the dream suggest to me a reunion (or union, since we are uncertain if we actually ever met before) with a friend was possible, but so was a possible return to Maine, which has been something I've wanted to do for some time, but has proven to be difficult if not impossible as of late. At least not without somewhere to go. But maybe it is possible under the right conditions.
I also had a positive thought before bed while watching episodes of Community, in which I thought maybe I should go back to school (and idea I've had for a while but hadn't thought about in some time), if only to attempt to reclaim a bit of focus and mental acuity that I've been somewhat missing lately. Not that the podcasts aren't mentally stimulating, only that academics have a certain structure and pressure that maybe I've been missing a little. It might be nice to step into a classroom again and learn something, as long as it ain't math. Maybe criminal psych or a social science or something. But I also keep thinking about trying to leave Cleveland and return to Maine, and getting started in an academic program here generally means committing 100% to actually being here awhile longer. Maybe if this depression cycle holds up a little while longer, I can weigh these decisions a bit more practically, see if there is a feasible way to go elsewhere (is "save some money, apply for work in Maine, and try to apply for an apartment sight unseen" actually possible? It usually feels like a lot, and it certainly would take time and patience, but in my current "There is hope?" state, it feels a little more positive...it's funny, last week I said the words "It's hard to have hope when you have never experienced it" out loud to myself and here I am typing the word Hope unironically. But I digress). If staying a long time is the only way, I suppose I try *gasp* dating apps or try to have some Saturdays off to go to a goth night (again, my past has some happy memories of goth nights in Maine, and I do kinda wanna meet a goth mommy domme, so...) and see if I can manage to be social without running headfirst into a wall like a Chris Farley character.
I did kinda manage to flirt a little with someone tonight without being totally horrible, and was able to have brief conversations with a couple guests without feeling like screaming? Please clap.
By the way, Community is great and largely holds up (aside from some problematic language and outdated views on certain social ideas), and has long been one of my favorite shows. I've been considering doing a full ranking when I eventually finish this latest rewatch. As much as I love consuming new media, sometimes the comfort of the familiar is just truly necessary, even if it does sometimes cause an odd shameful feeling ("I should be watching some new, something meaningful, I'm wasting my time, way to be boring, bro") when I do, but that is another thing to be overcome. I kinda wanna rewatch a lot of my favorite shows, especially ones from when I was either a child, or felt more myself. I talked a little yesterday about how Angel has an odd way of connecting with me, and I'm sure LOST or Farscape would be no different, and it's been awhile since I've given either of those another look.
I'm choosing to accept "what I want to watch" as still thematically connected to the hopeful dreams and possible aspirations for positive future idea. At least there is something I want to do and/or look forward to. Interesting how this seems to be a positive symptom of the upside of depression cycles. Which has proven to be the entire point of this particular post: examination of the upsides?
What a difference a nice dream can make.
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