Something is new for me in the past year is my realization that I am very noise-sensitive.
This is something I suspect has always been true, but I don't know that I have really noticed until fairly recently. I've never been good with crowds, but recently they have become more and more intolerable to me, and the difficulty I have with large amounts of people has only grown in recent years. Mostly this year, though I know I can remember when the first time I really noticed any discomfort was over ten years ago.
This is only the second time that I have worked in a hotel which has its bar located in the same area as the lobby, the first being the aforementioned environment from over ten years ago, and both of those hotels had constructed said lobby as the worst possible place acoustically for it. Big, cavernous rooms with marble flooring. So the echo becomes incredibly intense.
So when 200 people are in there being loud and drunk and obnoxious, it becomes a nightmare. I used to be able to manage this type of thing better (might have been all the alcohol in most of those cases, though, and I don't drink much at all anymore...in fact, I haven't had a drink in months? I had two beers when I moved into my place, that was back in September. I just smoke weed now, which doesn't give me hangovers and only keeps me more mellow and not, yknow, stupid. Weed is not as good as alcohol when it comes to killing social anxiety, but it has far less harmful side effects. That was a long aside), but I find that as I have gotten older, the harder this type of thing becomes.
It's almost 2:30am and the party is still going on. I'm on my break, typing this in the back office, and I can still hear them out there. Nothing specific, no words form from the swirling chaos, just noise. Noise noise noise. It shakes my every nerve, drilling into my skull. And then someone shouts and I literally wince.
It's bad enough my direct boss had wondered if there wasn't a way for me to use noise canceling headphones, but there's no way corporate would agree to that. I have mentioned that I have clinical anxiety and depression (there is documentation of that diagnosis out there somewhere, it's the possible adhd/autism I have no diagnosis for and is therefore conjecture, but I would never claim that on a job application), but that really only goes so far in the corporate world.
I have been experimenting on ways to disassociate, to distract myself in a manner that is semi-professional. I am at a computer, after all, so there are things to read and look at it. I find I can do okay in short bursts if the volume stays somewhat consistent and, of course. no one makes any noise at me directly. I have had a hard time with phones ringing for a long time now, hospitality does not make that any better, but it particularly hurts when it disrupts a level volume. I don't even watch movies on particularly high volume anymore, now that I think about it, but there is a whole other major line of thinking when it comes to the volume of media, particularly in how bad sound design has become in modern media.
The point is that I used to be better at noise, and it appears that has changed for me. My co-workers seem to mostly sympathize, or at least aren't dicks about it, but it's really hard. I know the social anxiety is part of it, but I do find myself wondering if I were to go to a place with 200 quiet people, would I have a similar reaction? Is it the people, or the noise they make that causes my discomfort. I guess it would depend on context in that scenario. I am socially awkward, even in pleasant conversation, and have trouble with eye contact, over-stimulation and over-thinking at all times, regardless of context...so, in theory, I wouldn't have a hard time with 200 quiet people unless I had to interact with any of them directly?
I guess I'd be at home in Eyes Wide Shut masked orgies? It seemed pretty quiet. Or at least covered by music? Which is fine at generally acceptable volumes, as I mentioned before. I assume there would have to be some noises made at an Eyes Wide Shut party.
Stream of consciousness, unplanned writing is always interesting.
Been re-reading some Seanbaby comedy from the dark ages of the internet. He remains a very funny comedy writer, even though a lot of the humor and language is very problematic for today's world. At least as problematic today as it was "edgy" back in the late 90s/early 00s. Seanbaby's true strength though, is in his ability to create a hell of a simile. It has been helpful to read it, as it has become difficult to disassociate through scrolling the Fandango account and doing ordering exercises (making lists of titles, reading titles silently to myself, researching years and performers, etc) lately, probably due to over use. But Sammaeal and I have amassed a hell of a collection and films and tv shows, and that also does fire off some endorphines.
Anyway, I think I lost the plot. I had mostly wanted to discuss the more recent phenomena of noise sensitivity in the past couple years and how it related to my depression and anxiety, and maybe whine about how difficult my job has become to perform, but that doesn't sound interesting anymore. Eventually, I'll find something I can do that will be better for me. Or, *gasp*, finally manage the social energy to make a doctor's appointment and try to become medicated. By using the insurance that likely won't do much to actually pay for any of it. But I do have the insurance now, so the excuse of Insurancy The Insurance Sprite yelling "NO Insurance! Whee-Whoo!" no longer works. Maybe Monday. I should probably say "Yes, Monday" now because I'm writing it down, and now if my post on Monday reports anything other than "Got Appointment," I could be called a coward.
Maybe Monday.
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