Probably be a bit more disjointed and unfocused tonight, working alone isn't easy and I may be interrupted, which isn't the friend of trying to focus thoughts into the written word.
I'm feeling an odd(ish) sense of frustration today. I say oddish because frustration is pretty common (it and anxiety are my natural state), but this version of frustration is a little different in that it comes from being in a clearer head space. In short, I'm frustrated that I am frustrated. I was just generally thinking about my situation and realizing that my basic essentials are, in fact, more or less taken care of. Job pays okay, have more or less comfortable and affordable housing (relatively to some, at any rate), and health insurance and many other things lots of people don't have.
However, and this is where the frustration begins, I do not feel happy and content with these things. I could, in theory, live the rest of my mainly insignificant (on the cosmic scale) life in this state without too much friction. Lately, I have mostly made it a point to remain in a state of "standing still," with no particular plans or direction, mainly because I tend to drive myself insane trying to figure out what I want to do, and how to do it, and often only running into a wall when it comes to implementing or deciding on a course of action. One would think my present clarity of thinking (such as it is) would allow me some further perspective, but it doesn't. Instead, it makes my "standing still" more intolerable to me. I should be doing something. And, despite many people telling me it is actually fine to be standing still, it makes me feel frustrated at my own inability to act.
What this also means is that I cannot entirely blame this executive disfunction on my mental health issues (though by no means does my "being on the upswing of the depression cycle" equate to "perfectly not depressed." I AM still depressed, I'm just not suffering at the moment), which creates more frustration, which causes more inaction, and that cycle of uselessness just keeps running around. It also frustrates me that most of this frustration is caused by my perception that I am being watched or judged by everyone, or at least that I can't seem to turn off the part of my brain that understands-and I do definitely understand this- that the very idea of being a capable, healthy adult is a construct created by a society that no longer exists in the same state that created these ideas.
The social and cultural world in which simple ideas like a one-bedroom apartment and a simple job were easily achieved and valued. Considering the only reason I don't have my own place right now is because I was turned down for some I could afford due to issues with things like credit checks and a black mark on my rental history caused by a shady rental company are not reflections on my own failings, so much as they are on how society has come to value the wrong things. While society, sadly and regrettably, values these things and defines them as "simple," I know that I and anyone whose opinion I give a single solitary shit about know the truth about the current state of things.
That was a long walk to a statement that essentially boils down to "nobody is judging setbacks created by rule changes," but I suppose it was still worth typing it all out.
The point is that it frustrates me that I can't forget that nobody is judging or keeping score whatsoever, and I am not for anyone else (this is an important idea that needs more conversation: most of the negative thoughts I aim at myself are for things I would never judge anyone else for, and yet I fear everyone else is judging me, but I am aware they aren't), so it really doesn't make sense to worry about, and yet I do.
So all that frustrates me. Social expectations that are not longer strictly expected, certainly not by anyone I associate with (even if my depression has a hard time understanding that on anything beyond a surface level), and yet still govern my own self-identification. When in the middle of heavier depression, I oddly care less about living up to social expectations, maybe because it's easier to admit one has difficulty doing that when sick (and I am sick, and I don't need to be ashamed of that), so I guess there is some sort of freedom in depression. Or maybe it's just you hate yourself for much worse than inaction. And I do. Eventually, I'm sure I will discuss my abusive relationship with guilt, probably when it the downswing, in which I feel like I don't deserve to have activity instead of frustration with lack of activity.
At some point, I would like to talk more about fun stuff like my Community rewatch or how much miss Dungeons and Dragons. Been flipping through the books at home to disassociate a little and have a lot of ideas for campaigns but, y'know, lack of players. But I have thoughts, you guys. Instead, it's been all introspective. I do hope it hasn't been, y'know, whiny or self-pitying or irritating (again, I fear judgement while inviting it by writing it all down?), but the purpose of the exercise is to express myself and my own thoughts while craving an audience (that I assume hates me? I never said it would make sense)...maybe I hope it will bring others a greater understanding of me, or maybe someone random will read it and realize they're not alone. I assume these conditions are not unique to me. In fact, I'm incapable of it, because I would never come to find myself nearly that important or of value. Which is a cheery thought. Maybe I would be happier if I did come to think of myself as a beautiful, unique unicorn of mental health issues.
Important happy things today: I thought of myself as handsome (I need a haircut and a beard trim, but I acknowledged my own handsomeness). That's a win.
Anyway, I was right. Got interrupted five times when writing this. Actually, six now. Probably should quit when ahead.
Thank you to anyone who is reading this. Very kind of you to care about what's happening in this diseased mind.
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