Trapped

 Feeling particularly trapped tonight. I have this interview in the morning, which is for a job I likely will find more tolerable, but it pays nothing and is likely part time, and I simply don't know if I can manage it (even though my overhead is the lowest it's been since the early 2000's). I could be wrong, and it could be full time or at least roughly 32 hours, which is potentially doable, but I doubt it. 

Every single week, two nights a week, I am asked to work the desk alone at the hotel I work at, and it's way too much for my anxiety. I have panic attacks before these shifts even occur, and then usually have at least one while on the job itself. I am the only non-manager (and the only individual besides my direct boss) to be asked to handle the job alone, and it's more responsibility than I feel comfortable with, the environment is always hostile (loud noises, lots of check-ins and guest requests, angry guests, not to mention the multiple times a night people can't seem to figure out how to pull open a door and get mad at me about it), and it leaves me feeling very tired, stressed, and deeply anxious. 

I have made it clear how I feel about it. To anyone and everyone. Every time, I'm told "well, there are times you have to work alone," instead of even the barest amount of sympathy (even a platitude of "we're working on hiring someone" would be sufficient in at least making me feel like anyone gives a shit) or effort, which essentially means I feel taken advantage of and undervalued. 

This isn't really new, really, that is generally what happens with capitalism, but considering that I didn't originally work alone here, it really sucks to go through on a weekly basis. It makes me feel very angry and exhausted and generally exacerbates my mental health issues (which I also have made clear many times: I told them I have an actual diagnosed anxiety disorder in my fucking interview) and yet, I am at best dismissed, at worst mocked. 

So I spend my whole week dreading these two shifts, find it difficult to relax and rest, and even when not alone, I feel increasingly angry and insulted and hurt that no one considers my feelings even worth discussing, let alone making a concession for. And it's not like there aren't people who could work overnight with me. Shit, they could sleep for half of it and I'd be fine, as long as I know there just is someone else. 

And I come back to the same problems. Can I afford to take a different job? If I do, will I ever get out of the one room I rent in a city I largely can't stand? Is this all in my head? I keep working on the assumption that it is in my head, and it has kept me working through for a month now, but nothing has changed, and I'm feeling more and more disgruntled. And that's assuming they'll even hire me somewhere else. I find the easier jobs, the ones where I have less responsibility, they never seem to want to hire me...I assume I'm overqualified (and I am, let's be clear on that) and therefore not taken seriously as an applicant. I went into that movie theater last week, told the manager (who was, y'know, twelve years old) that I genuinely wanted to work there, regardless of salary limitations, because I liked the work and the environment, and he told me he might call me in for an interview but hasn't. 

I'd love to work two low paying, low responsibility jobs. Nursing home dishwasher by day, movie theater by night, low pay but peaceful mind, close to home, generally rushing around...it sounds quite nice. But these places aren't calling, aren't hiring, aren't interested. Job hunting used to be simple and easy. But then, so did getting an apartment. So did commuting to work. As capitalism tightens it's evil, republican stranglehold on America, the harder simply living becomes. So, even though a simple, quiet life seems immanently possible, it keeps being yanked out for needless reasons. 

Therefore, trapped.

It's possible I'm sliding into a depression stage of the cycle again, but I don't necessarily feel that way outside of situational forces. I don't really hate myself right now. There is also the intrusive thought or memory, that still happens on a good day, but nothing that drags me into things. I've even been sleeping a little better lately, my sleep cycle has remained largely consistent (even though I find myself wishing more and more that I could go to bed at night when normal people do more than usual the past few weeks), and social interactions with friends online (the only method in which I actually socialize with friends these days) don't feel as negative. So is this just sliding into the dark side? I dunno. It doesn't feel that way. But I can't trust my own thoughts and feelings most days, and that is a deeply frustrating thing to feel. 

I know some people know what that's like, the fundamental lack of trust in ones own mental and emotional state, but if you don't? It sucks a lot. Never being sure if a feeling is your actual intuition or just you being crazy, that gut feeling could be your instincts trying to help you, or it could just be your brain lying to you. 

So, no idea what to do, really. I know I'll go to the interview and see what's happening. At least we start there. But even if that goes well...I have to face another night alone at this place? And I know it's going to be a lousy night...it will be frustrating and filled with anxiety (and I know, because I already am anxious about it: I took a walk around the building in the warmer weather just to stave off a panic attack), and I will leave feeling worse than when I went in, and nothing will change. 

As Buffy once said: the hardest thing to do in this world is to live in it. I know living in it is the one thing that makes me not want to anymore.