Back on my bullshit. Had a few days off and haven't gotten into the habit of doing this at home just yet, so it's been a few days. I didn't get much done in that time, unfortunately, mostly did a lot of sleeping and staring off into space. Eventually, I will muster up the energy to get the things I need to do finally done, but right now it's probably best I don't make too many demands on myself. I can get most of it done fairly easily, though, and will need to push myself just a little more in the coming week.
I figured it'd be a good time to maybe talk a bit about social media, since I don't have much else to report on, really (my boss is back from his sabbatical, and he tells me my "weekends off" schedule may be semi-permanent since my coworker was promoted, so I guess there's that. But I always am a "seeing is believing" guy when it comes to potentially good news).
I've struggled most of my life with feeling seen and heard, and on feeling replaceable. I never feel like I'm allowed to disagree, or express my own opinion, without being dismissed as a friend, or whatever. I'm lucky enough to have built the relationship with my podcast co-hosts that I have, and so I feel like I'm allowed there (but sometimes even guests being involved cause this surge of anxiety in which I feel like I have always tread carefully with disagreements) to express myself. Even then, not always. I often apologize to both of them for basically no reason, and always have a latent fear that they will eventually tire of my nonsense and want to quit associating with me. Or that the only reason they still do it with me is because they think I'd collapse without them. Nothing worse than a friendship born out of pity or codependency and, while I am normally very sure those relationships are not that, my brain often asks "Yeah, but...what if it is, though" and I get very nervous.
I've been kicked out of a lot of friend groups over the years. On some occasions, there was a good reason, others maybe not, but it hasn't particularly helped my own sense of self-worth to be so regularly dismissed. As a result, I tend to overcompensate, tell myself I need to be better for other people, and that means never disagree, always be grateful for the friendship, follow the rules they set for you. Don't talk too much, but try not to be too quiet, because they'll hate you for that, too. Never rock the boat. Never get off the boat. Unless someone else needs a seat, then get off the boat.
Social media hasn't improved this position, in fact it may have increased it. Obviously we live in a time in which social media has run rampant, the court of public opinion has all authority (except when it really matters, like in the case of current politics), and friendships are easier than ever to obtain (and even easier to lose). And, as a result, a misread post or a misunderstanding, or a disagreement, can cause a most hostile relationship (or the dissolution of a relationship) and so I am even more wary of posting much of my thoughts (outside of this, in which I can make myself very clear in what I mean, in as many characters as I need). Even recently, I've had some posts that has received comments that felt hostile, like I'm in danger of being disliked, unfriended, or otherwise dismissed, and I know that chances are that is mostly on me and, chances are, those who commented didn't really mean to cause the reaction they have: but I don't feel like I am allowed to mention it. Even though my feelings are hurt, I don't feel like I am allowed to have hurt feelings. If I say the wrong thing to someone, they're done with me, and so I can't speak my mind. And that hurts all the more. So I continue to walk on eggshells with absolutely everyone, apologize all the time, make myself small, because I don't want anyone mad at me.
I'm too worried about being judged to say much of anything. So the worse things get out there, the higher the emotional stakes, and the more vehement the opinions become from all sides, and it gets even worse for me, because if I disagree with them, they'll kick me out. If they disagree with me, they might get mad at me, and what do I have to offer that is worth sticking around for?
Arguments and conflict become almost unbearable as a result. I'm terrible at it now, and I used to be really good at diffusing conflicts and mending hurt feelings. Used to kinda be my main function in some of those aforementioned friend groups (many of which dissolved entirely after my departure). Now, even at work, I'm shrinking away instead of fighting, and I have hid myself away more and more as time moves on. And that has been extremely hard on me. My confidence is at it's lowest as a direct result, my isolation feeling more total than it ever has before,
I need to work on it, and feel more secure in speaking my mind, especially if it's to protect my peace or improve my situation. And trust people a little more, or at least trust that , even if they do reject me, I'm better off without them. I'm a tad too old to still be having these feelings of inadequacy on a daily basis, and maybe this blog can be a new beginning in terms of dealing with that. Not that I'm a hurry to go out and upset people.
Too many people are already doing that, especially the ones in power, and that is it's own level of horror when it comes to social media. All the depressing "AI art," regressive political policies that are hurting people (and too many people policing just who is allowed to be hurt, or how people are supposed to respond to that), too many bot accounts and engagement farmers stirring up negativity for popularity (which is why I frequently end up making apologies and disclaimers here on this very blog: nothing worries me more than the thought someone thinks I'm doing this for attention or "clout")...it is a depressing place. I can one friend who vehemently thinks everyone should boycott Scream, while another friend just loves Scream and can't wait to see it, and I'm feeling too uncomfortable to say much at all on the subject because *one* of them may be mad at me, and I don't feel I have many friends, so I just...what, plead the fifth? The more intense any given discourse becomes, the less I want to speak (and, arguably, it's more important than ever that I speak?), and that drives me crazy.
My hope is that in writing this, maybe I can start to feel more comfortable. I also hope nobody feels "called out" by it, or even that they're being referenced. I think this blog has been theraputic, if nothing else, and I generally feel pretty good about writing it.
But, for now, I'll probably mostly stick to talking about what I'm watching on social media and the occasional meme, and hope that I can remain in a decent headspace for just a little while longer. Make slow progress, try not to feel like I need to apologize so much, and maybe start to feel like I don't have to hide myself to make others happier with me. If I have learned nothing about myself in this life, it's that I have no fear of being alone, so maybe I need to stop pretending it's a failure to be alone. Take some more risks. Because it's better to know where you stand, even if you're standing alone.
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