Been a few days since I've done an entry, largely due to work being crazy and my not being in the habit of doing them when at home. Not that I'm necessarily disinterested in doing them when I'm home, just that it isn't a practice I've adopted yet. I probably could have found some time to do it, but didn't really have the energy (due, again largely, to the aforementioned work load). I also have been very, very tired for days now, due to poor sleep.
That really is the main thing on my mind right now: how tired I am. I have the time tonight to do this, but the work load is still very heavy (I guess there is some sort of Basketball thing happening), I'm stressed about working some nights alone this week that are slated to also be very busy, and I'm working alone because they promoted a co-worker without, y'know, figuring out who would do her job after she had been promoted? Gonna be just one man, standing alone against the evil forces of capitalism-emboldened entitlement, and hostile anger that is foundational to modern America. Like a really shitty Buffy The Vampire Slayer who is a short, fat guy whose knees ache in the mornings and sometimes feels like giving up and dying as a matter of principle.
And I can't seem to sleep.
I try to go to sleep many times a day now. Today, I laid down at 8am. I felt tired and sleepy, so I went to sleep. I woke up an hour later. used the bathroom, couldn't get back to sleep. I laid there for hours, trying to get there, and it wouldn't come. So I got back up. Went to the store, even. Took a sleeping pill. Nothing.
Finally, 4pm, I fall asleep. I wake briefly due to my alarm, but not enough to get up, and I slept too late and was late for work. Every day, it feels like I am falling asleep later and later, but still getting up at the same times, and it is incredibly frustrating and exhausting. I'm just so tired all the time. And all day, when I am awake, I don't do anything productive. I'm in this zombie state in which I can't focus on anything, my mind wanders and floats like a hyperactive butterfly, only briefly landing on anything substantial or real.
Perhaps my depression cycle is swinging back into the down side, but I still mostly feel okay emotionally and psychologically (besides the stuff that is caused by being tired), and I find myself trying to remember when this sleeping issue really got started, and wondering if it did somewhat align with the depression upswing. Wouldn't that be something? Feeling better emotionally, now you can't sleep? I dunno, I'm trying to lower my caffeine intake a little (difficult when you have to stay awake all night), washing my bedding, and drinking more water. Hoping that makes a little difference. Or if it is just a phase and will eventually sort itself out (which I find does happen when working overnights).
At least there's some free food tonight? It's not good food (it's like middle school cafeteria pizza), but it is free. I like free.
I keep yawning. Can't make my brain work very well, and my eyesight is foggy and sensitive to light. Like, I have no discernable thoughts, just autopilot. It's taking a lot of energy to type this and, try as I might, I can't see to find anything to think much about besides being tired. I know there are ideas back there somewhere (Werewolf movies, vague and probably misguided ideas of watching all the comic adaptations there are, and I mean ALL OF THEM, D&D thoughts, creative ideas...they're back there, waiting, but inaccessible, like a Princess locked in a tower, waiting to be rescued by a short, hairy guy whose knees ache in the mornings and sometimes feels like dying on general principle), but cannot be reached.
Mostly just did this post to try and resume the practice. I find it rather theraputic, even if it sometimes does feel like whining. But maybe we just have to complain into the universe in order to stay sane.
Gonna get back it, difficult as it is, and hope for more sleep today. Thanks for listening, anyway. It's nice to know someone is, y'know?
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